Osho Day 4

I struggled to get out of bed. Joel knocked on the door and hurried to get me downstairs. Breakfast finished in 5 minutes and Joel had woken with a mission-Porridge.

I didn’t share his enthusiasm I went for a cup of tea and a croissant and then went off for my aveydic massage.

My shoulders retracted. Instead of the computer induced slouch I was normally accustomed to; my shoulder blades were closer together and seemed to point in a completely different direction from before. The massage was very very good.

Joel knocked on my door to go for lunch. Joel maintained a strictly “clear head policy”. Although Joel carried with him at all times a formidable intellect and a veritable library of information, his mental desktop was always clear. The impact of this for Joel was an uncluttered mind. However on a day to day basis this policy did have its drawback. Joel would think food, off we would go but our trip would be aborted as didn’t have his vouchers which he needed to pay for food. The same thing happened on the trip the shop. He was totally prepared for inaction and he didn’t notice details.

As we walked through the canteen for lunch that day, there were people everywhere wearing purple eye patches covering their right eyes. The people on the next table were all wearing maroon eye patches. “I wonder why they are wearing eye patches Joel”, I commented. “What eye patches?” was the reply.

I now had a theory as to why I had experienced some level of enlightenment and Guru Joel had not. Joel was always in a natural meditative state whereas I was in a naturally neurotic state. For Joel to meditate at Osho was not relaxing as he first had to get to the correct place at the correct time. In order to do this, conscious thought, a timetable and watch were involved. This meant Joel had to return to consciousness. For Joel this was like getting on the M25 to get to where he had already set off from. But that was Joel. He needed something more hardcore where the need for ANY mundane thought was removed.

I then had my nlp training with Premandana. Premandana was an English guy who lived in Hamburg.

“What do you know about NLP ?” he asked.

“Well all I know is what I have seen Paul McKenna do on TV” I replied.

“Ah Paul” said Premadana. They obviously knew each other well. Perhaps they were rivals. Cynical thoughts were entering my mind. Paul Mckenna must be gutted driving around in his Ferrari when he could be working in an ashram in Pune

“Why did you choose NLP” he asked. I had to answer truthfully as Paul Mckenna’s friend would know if I was lying.

“It sounded interesting and given the choice the choice of colour therapy, family constellation training, reiki and NLP; I thought NLP would have the most benefit.”

He took me through some mental exercises. Like Joel, I was also advised to go on the practioners course. However, I wasn’t a potential guru like Joel.

He took me through some mental exercises and then tried hypnosis on me. This lead to a rarther embarrassing conversation between my subconscious and Premanda. My subconscious was meant to respond to questions by the use of movements. Moving my toe signified yes touching my face signified no. I got a cramp in my ankle and an itch on my face. Premanda really wasn’t sure what my subconscious was telling him but anyway I was a new changed person, well for 45 seconds anyway.

Tonight was the night. I was going to the "evening meeting".

The “evening meeting” was the most important part of the day “an opportunity to experience alertness with no effort – the essence of the meditative experience.”

There are very strict rules for attending the evening meeting. Only white robes are permitted so I had to buy a new robe from the Osho shop. The mediation would take two hours so I also bought the meditation chair. I was ready for action.

Joel also got fully kitted up.

We were sat on the green marble floor of the auditorium. The pyramid roof was above us with circles of various colours being projected onto the triangles that formed the pyramid.

Around us were hundreds of people all dressed in white robes.

At the front of the auditorium at the left hand side was a band. Keyboards, drum kit, electric guitar…..

Then a voice appeared from the front of the stage telling us that in order not to break concentration coughing and sneezing weren’t allowed. As far as I could remember these were involuntary bodily functions so I didn’t understand how they could be banned from the auditorium, but this was definitely the case I assure you. If we couldn’t last to the end of the meeting we were also required to leave.

There was silence.

The band starting playing. The music was high energy dance music. The type of music I expected to be played at a gay night club. Everyone danced with there eyes closed. Well almost everyone. The dancing must have lasted 20 minutes. During the dancing there were 3 simultaneous shouts of “Osho”. We stopped.

We sat silently. Then it was time for “gibberish”. At this point everyone in the room had to speak in a language they did not understand. Literally just to sit and talk rubbish. The purpose of this I understood was also to empty the mind of junk. The gibberish part was over.

The large movie screen at the front of the auditorium came to life. In front us was the bagwan – Osho himself. Although he was dead I would hear the wise man himself speak. But I had a problem. The guy didn’t look like someone I was going to take advice from.

He looked like a cross between Benny from crossroads and Sue Ellen in Dallas. Let me explain. He was dressed in a woolly beanie hat. He wore a long silver grey beard. His eyes were obscured by huge purple tinted sunglasses. The sunglasses were wide at the side like those Karl Lagerfeld used to wear with gold trimings. He wore a – I don’t know how to describes it- but it had huge shoulder pads and was in shades of dark brown and caramel. On his wrist he wore a diamond bracelet. He could have a baddie in 1970’s episode of Doctor Who. He looked too ridiculous to be a serious baddie like in a James Bond film.

He walked onto the screen with cheesy music, that combined with the way the film had been shot made it look like a 1980’s Ronco infomercial. He moved slowly and sat down on a white leather throne and spoke.

The sermon had been recordered when Ronald Reagan was US president. Generally it was pretty basic stuff about if man didn’t change the world would end. I agreed with the sentiments of his words which tied in with my own beliefs. There was one profound comment that a religion based on hate would be more powerful than any nuclear weapon, considering this film was made 20 years ago I was impressed with the insight.

The movie finished and we all sat and listened to Osho. Then there was some more standing and sitting and then the bagwan told a joke. I am not sure if he recordered 365 jokes, but I am sure the same one isn’t played everyday. The joke relied on the punch line from a 1980’s commercial for coca cola. “Everything tastes better with coke”. That was it for me. This really was McDonalds. This was a total joke and the fact that I had suspended my disbelief, gone and bought another set of bloody robes and sat there not coughing or sneezing for 2 hours made me feel pissed off and slightly ridiculous”.

At last, dinner.

“Fancy a curry, Joel” the joke was wearing thin but it still amused me.

For me there was an impact of Joel’s natural meditative state. We would enter the canteen at the same time. I would have paid, found seats and would be waiting while Joel would still be contemplating which curry to have and in which amount to get and which plate to put it on. Decisions, decisions, decisions !. “How fucking long could he take ?”.What was he thinking ?

“Should I have curry,?
“No wait, I know, I will have curry instead“

There were only 6 choices but it still took him 45 minutes. I had now started to participate in the waiting for Joel while he got his fucking dinner meditation.

Osho had a great merchandising operation, books in every language, CD’s, robes, massage chairs. You could get even get a daily message sent by sms to your mobile phone. This was a truly 21st century religion. You could visualise the future direction of Osho. Osho retreats in every country, Osho theme parks and Osho cruises and Osho cola.

The guru Joel was going on about objective reality. As I was enlightened from my meditation I challenged his assumptions. I didn’t agree with him. How could there be a universal reality as people perceived things in different ways. To Joel this displayed my total ignorance. The conversation ended when he used the word “fuckwit” to convince me of the validity of his superior view.

Osho Day 1

Day 1

The first morning was something of a surprise and shock. From a meditation centre I was expecting calm relaxed people with a laissez fair attitude to life and organisation. Instead we were met with Indian Beaurocracy with a gaunt unshaven German face in the form of Herman the German organiser. Here was the deal. The information meeting started at 9.30 am. Without the information meeting you couldn’t participate and basically had to stay in your room until the next information meeting. There was only one information meeting a day. You had to register before the information meeting and registration opened at 9.00 am. Within the 30 minutes, the group of 35 people (including us) who were from a variety of countries had to

Change money.
Register their details on the system
Take an aids test.
Get the results of the aids test
Pay for the information meeting
Buy vouchers as cash wasn’t handled.
Go across the road and buy a robe.

The sequence had to be done in the correct order. There was no formal guidance prior or during the process and it had to be completed within 30 minutes or we would be spending the next 24 hours doing nothing.

The stress built up steadily as the minutes ticked away and the standard scenes of unstoppable objects (American Tourists) hitting immovable objects (German Organisers) was unfolding. “I just need to check-in to the hotel” said the America. “I will be back in 15 minutes”. This was met with “If you leave zee building, you vill ave to vate until tomorrow for yor tour”.

“But”, said the American. “No buts”, said Herman. “Zeez are zee rules”

We were taken around the resort by a Belgian girl and her female Taiwanese Tonto complete with plated pigtails. Dressed in our burgundy robes, we were were led around. The campus was attractive: a combination of colonial, traditional low rise office buildings and new age pyramids. It was nice but not in the same league of say a deluxe holiday resort. The best description I could give of the surroundings was a down market club med that had recently been renovated. I had expected quiet and isolation. It was quiet but not isolated. It was partly overlooked by low rise residential buildings and higher rise office blocks. Basically you went to the bottom of Pune high street and turned left and you were at Osho.

Then there was our introduction. This included what I dreaded most – group exercises. People were called up to the front of the room according to Nationality. “Ah, you are from Germany. You will dance like German people and everybody else in the room will copy you”. The Germans slapped there ankles and thighs and danced around. The Israelis were called up. Hava Nagila I thought, but no they got Arabic music. Not what they were expecting but fine. The Indians got Punjabi music everybody copied them well. Then there was the call I dreaded “anyone from England.” Me and Joel walked to the front. “You are from England” they confirmed?. “Yes we are” we replied. “Good”, Tonto looked up from the CD case “We have some Irish music that you can dance to”. After a momentary pause while we considered whether there was any point discussing this issue, off we went. Joel and I dressed in our burgundy robes, doing our best Michael Flatley impersonations copied by the on looking group of Germans, Israelis, Indians and the American. If I only I had a photograph. Ah but photographs are not permitted at Osho.

We then did group dancing with masks and were shown an introduction into dynamic meditation.

We sat outside with Sabena and Tonto. Sabena told us of her problems and why she had come to Osho which essentially was a difficult relationship with her parents.

After lunch of vegetarian Indian food, I went to book some one on one activities, NLP hypnotism, core stability training, ayeveda massage. The costs were mounting up. I went to sort out some more cash. Cash was king at Osho. Like a car with a big engine burning petrol, Osho burned cash.

I went to the multiversity booking centre were you booked your courses or sessions. Behind the desk was a Californian called Jim. He was in his late fifties had a good tan and closely cropped grey hair. His sign burns were shaved at angle like captain Kirk and he wore a stylish antique Rolex on his wrist.

“I want the core integration yoga massage, please”.

“OK” said Jim who starting taping into his computer terminal. “We have availability with Mahindra, he is excellent,. Oh here, he is”. I turned round expecting to see a wiry little Indian man. Instead, in front of me stood a huge Scandinavian. He was in his late 50’s or early 60’s. His wild hair and long beard were completely white. He was dressed from head to feet in black robes with a white sash. I had one thought “Osho’s converted Santa to the dark side”.

Mahindra had no bookings for when I wanted. So Jim fixed me up with Devan “she is also excellent”. Jim obviously knew all the staffs’ abilities OR he was over from Osho’s LA sales office and he was demonstrating a standard US sales technique.

I met up with Joel who had booked his self hypnosis course. “I have got a really good instructor sorted for tomorrow”.” How do you know he’s good?” I asked him. “The guy behind the desk told me he is excellent! “

I went back to my room. Joel who had been doing his own thing knocked on my door. He was off to the 4.15 session of kundalini Meditation session. At 4.25 there was a knock at my door. It was Joel.

“That was quick, what happened?” I asked.
“Well, I arrived 2 minutes late, just as they were closing the doors. Apparently he and the group of other people with him were told they were disrespectors and were instructed to leave immediately. “

Twenty four hours hadn’t yet passed and Joel had been branded a “direspector.” I was the brother of the “disrespector.” This could have consequences.

I had spent most my day people watching. Despite the uniformity of the maroon robes, you could still differentiate between various groups of people.

There were the obvious Indian yogis. These were small wiry men with long beards which varied from dark black to shining silver grey.

There were the top “big issue” sales people. Not your average straight corner sellers but, your hard core high volume movers who had won the right to be here. Despite the standard robes - the woolly hats, unkempt beards and dodgy shoes gave them away. These were rarely seen.

There were the Japanese, small dark haired. But their distinguishing feature was the Nike or Adidas logo on the maroon techno fleece gillets or jackets worn over there maroon robes.

There were the Germans who combined socks and sandals.

Then there were the Italians. Their robes were different from everyone else. Perfectly pressed, a slightly different shade of maroon, coordinated with the right shoes and sunglasses, jewellery and bags. Somehow the robes just looked better on them. “Hold on one minute their robes were different”. There were no silk or linen robes or coordinating linen trousers in the Osho shop. They had there robes made for them.

Finally there were the backpackers – flip-flops or no shoes.

I understood the idea of the robes - uniformity, removing materialism from the campus. But it didn’t work for me. Why ? Jewellery, Sunglasses (see the paragraph about the Italians) shoes, (ditto the previous point). There was plenty of Channel, Cartier, Gucci and Prada on display even before 8.00 pm when the robes came off.

I had only been at Osho for 24 hours but I was already forming a view of the experience.

Joel told me I had to suspend my natural scepticism in order to get something out of Osho. He was right of course, but I was already struggling. None of the 3 osho people I had met that day had given any reason to believe otherwise. It hadn’t taken the German out of Herman. He was still as uptight as any of his countrymen. The Belgium and Tonto had both folded under easy questioning during the Welcome meeting. “One of the Israelis had asked for explanation and instruction into the mediation.” The response he got was to be pointed to where he could buy Osho books, CD’s and magazines about meditation.

This was not what I was expecting. Some of my friends had been reborn into the Judaism. They were won over people by philosophical debate, reasoned discussion and by a hard sell from experts; men who had studied their stuff over decades. Not an emotional troubled ex-Sabena stewardess who lacked the ability to answer the simplest of questions. There was no history, no context, and no debate. There was simply activity followed by inactivity.

Osho allied itself with many crank therapies that were on offer as paid courses. Reiki, constellation training, cranial biodynamic, post reichan therapy, tarot, colour therapy. All of these were available as paid courses within Osho

There were a lot of Israelis staying and working at Osho. What had happened on Yom Kippur I wondered?

Joel talked to me about changing my mental state. “You know when you are doing something and you are not concentrating on anything in particularly. Your mind is blank then a thought just pops into your head…..” I didn’t have a clue what he was talking about.

This was an extremely important comment that gave me an insight into Joel and the differences in our mental processes. Joel’s mind was always completely prepared for inactivity.

I on the other hand I was always thinking something, well to exact always worrying about something…things I had to do, work tasks, plans, ideas chores. I always did at least two things at once. I watched TV while working on the computer, I read books while listening to music, I ate lunch while reading or walking.

I couldn’t think of a time when my mind was idol. Joel was permanently relaxed and I was neurotic.